HAVEN is here for you

When we think of abuse, we often think of threats of hitting, kicking, spitting, slapping, cutting, stabbing, shooting, banging of another person’s head against the floor or walls, pushing or shoving the victim into walls, out of windows, or out of cars. The batterer may hold down his/her partner, restrain them from leaving, push or shove, tell them that if they leave they will find and hurt or kill them. These acts may be carried out with the intent to murder the victim. Often the aggressor will threaten to hit or kill the family pet, knock holes in walls, break the car window, or destroy the victims possesions.

​

But a batterer may also try to control all aspects of the victim’s life– including their bank account, their contact with family and friends, phone usage, and where they go. These behaviors might be explained as concern for their safety and well-being but the real intent is to control their victim's life. They might have unrealistic expectations and make a victim feel like they can never do anything right or might monopolize your time. Jealousy is also very common, where the batterer questions the victim about who she/he talks to, accuses them of flirting and having affairs, of dressing provocatively and is suspicious of male/female business acquaintances.

 

There's more: an abuser might threaten to harm or take away the children, and may threaten to report the victim to authorities for untrue child neglect and abuse claims. They may have unrealistic expectations of children, and punish them for not finishing a bottle or not being able to sleep through the night. 

​

Sexual assault or manipulation consists of a wide range of conduct like coerced sex by threat, physically forced sex, or sexual assault accompanied by violence. The victim may be forced to have sex with someone else or to perform prostitution. This also includes restraining partners against their will during sex, forcing sex when the partner is asleep, sick or tired. They may show little concern for his/her partner’s wishes and may use sulking, anger or threats to manipulate compliance.

 

Emotional/psychological or verbal abuse is no less painful. Behaviors include sulking, crying, withdrawing into silence, leaving, arguing, shouting, and insulting comments. A batterer may say things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, will curse or degrade their partner, or put down their accomplishments. Often, a batterer may blame others for his/her own shortcomings or may blame the victim for everything that goes wrong. They refuse to take responsibility.

 

One method of gaining power over the relationship in an immigrant family is for the abuser to threaten to report the victim to immigration. The abuser may keep their partner's immigration paperwork to prevent their escape. Migration from one country to another seems to foster isolation that breeds more domestic violence no matter where a person lives. Unfamiliar to the land and customs, an immigrant victim may not understand that they can call the police, or that a judge will believe them.

​

Social isolation is deliberately separating someone from their family and friends. It involves controlling where they go, to whom they speak, and what they do. The isolation from friends and family, coupled with a victim’s shame for the beatings encourages them to remain isolated; as a result women/men fleeing violence may lack a network of friends and family upon whom to rely for housing. There may be frequent "check-in" phone calls while the victim is with friends or threats of physical harm to the victim if they leave the house without permission. They may take away car keys, confiscate cell phones, open and read mail, control access to the computer, read emails, etc. They may prevent her/him from going to work or attending church.

​

Stalking is to persistently act in a threatening manner, to menace, and to either frighten and control a victim, or to locate and physically harm or murder a victim. Often, an abuser has been asked not to call the victim, not to visit the victim’s home, workplace, school or church, not to follow the victim. Many abusers choose to not only ignore the ”no contact” order but decides to take every conceivable step to contact the victim or keep close tabs on their whereabouts. Some other acts of stalkers include entering the residence when the victim is not at home. Often the stalking escalates to where the abuser physically injures or kills the victim. Stalking behavior usually begins after the victim leaves the batterer. 

​

If you are experiencing these types of abuses, there is help. Call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline at (919) 774-8923